So my husband and I decided we needed to keep a journal about our son Nathan. On Thursday we were told that he has autism. We think we are just lousy parents who have not done our due diligence as teachers and haven't tried hard enough to offer him social outlets. When we were at KU they asked a lot of questions that neither my husband or myself could remember the answers to and that made me realise I needed to journal. I needed a way to track my son's progress, to see if he was loosing words or actions or if he was making improvement. I feel rather lost about the diagnosis and I have zero network to help me cope so I am hoping this gives me a way to channel my fears and help me create my plan of action.

Friday 3/26/2010

So Thursday was a blur. I had to go to work after our appointment and I was so pleased my autopilot got me through the day. Neither my husband not myself even knew what to think. On Friday morning, I had the day off and my husband and I started living our lives as the parents of a child with autism. But once again, we are in denial. We both take full responsibility for Nathan's developmental delay because we have not done enough with him to get him ready to learn. It was apparent when they working with him that he wasn't even capable of staying seated long enough to do the testing. He threw the puzzles in the floor in his normal tantrum mode. I had seen this mood before and I could even feel it coming before he did it. Regardless if it is Autism or not, we knew we had not done our due diligence. So we started our day buying Nathan a small table and wooden puzzles. We worked with him in the morning with a farm shape sorter and by the time we were done he knew all the animals but the lamb and he knew that cow's mooooo'd. Mike and I were pleased. In addition to the learning, he also kept running back and forth between the two of us to show us the animals and mooo'd. He was proud of his learning and he was actively engaged. He did showing and we kept telling him what a great job that was. I have been ready about the applied learning behaviors and I can already see that Nate is just hungry for the interaction. Only re enforcing our perception that we are failures as parents. But hindsight is 20/20. And both of us are determined to give him the best chance we can of coping with this delay. So in addition to the mooing, which was simply adorable he learned toast. Which is what we had for breakfast. Another great moment. What makes me sad is that Nate is 2 years 8 months and we should have had toast mastered a while a go. But it is an victory. He also managed phone but I am sure we have heard that before. But once again, that is why we need the journal. No one remembers what we have learned and what we may have lost. So we went out to a clothing store, a toy store, and a super store and all three places were meet with tantrums. Twice over train tables. Now I had been considering the purchase of a train table for his next birthday but after seeing the almost obsessive behavior, I have determined that is simply not an option. We were so proud that he would play independently but that was just one of many signs that he was autistic. It is sad to know that some of the things I was so proud of him for where all indicators. Sounding less like denial when I say that. Proud of myself. So interestingly enough, we got to compare him to other kids his age. And yes, I know, you are not suppose to compare kids....so sorry. But there was a little guy younger than him who was clear enough that Mike could carry on a conversation with him. And I know that hit home for us about how far Nate is delayed. We are not there. And it is going to take a lot of effort to get us there. So train table melt down, train table melt down again, and then melt down over wanting some type of candy at Target. Who knows which one but with a peanut allergy as well, it didn't really matter. But I at least can say that I know what caused all three melt downs. Which is good.

Friday 3/26/2010 PM

Came home, had nap. When he got up there was his table and dad and I had cleaned up the living room and organized it for learning. We spent the next several hours working with him on his letters with the wooden puzzles. There were a few moments of tiny tantrums but nothing turned into full blown. He sat at the table without problems and handled directions very well without issues. Only problem that surfaced was he kept putting his foot up on the table and I had to keep telling him to put it down. I could tell it was a test. I passed. He had dinner at the table and did a great job eating from his plate with his fork and spoon. He had more dinner than I normally get down him so I was pleased. When he started to play I asked if he was done and he got down without issue. We went for bath, teeth, and then stories. Mike and I have been terrible about reading to him. First one I read was a 10 minute story and he was not interested at all and kept running around the room. But he brought me a book and settled down for a minute and then was back up. Then he brought another book and we read it three times until he heard his daddy come home and he was back up again looking for him. So good news on the attention span and hopefully with consistency we were get through some longer stories and more involvement. I also want to get a few he really likes and hopefully he will be more engaged. Bed time. No issues. Slept through the night.